Current mood:

amused

My, that's quite bad
I found some Buffy comics on the BBC website today. Christ on a bike, what poorly written tripe. Not only that, but the artwork is dreadful; having to wait four pages to confirm that yes, that's Anya, is annoying.

Is there no quality control on these things? There must be, given that some of this stuff is written by actual Buffy scriptwriters. So that puts it one up on fan fiction.

Sometimes it's quite fun, watching how dire these stories can be. I have no doubt that some writers are good. They can create believable plots and use established characters well. But what can you say about writers who insist on making Xander and Spike - Xander and Spike! - fall in love? Who, for no reason, come up with stories in which Angel and Buffy are siblings? Who cannot use the most basic grammar and punctuation?

Naturally Buffy is not the only programme that suffers. Doctor Who is filled with the Fifth Doctor having it off with every one of his companions, and the combination of Eccleston/Tennant and Piper is launching a thousand cans of garbage as I write. Supernatural, the American horror programme that nobody watches, can still generate masses of fiction featuring brotherly incest. Truly no programme is safe.

Even when sex is not involved, the results are deadly. Perhaps the most insane invention is the cross-over fiction, where the writer takes two completely different stories and jams them together. Ever wanted to see Hermione Granger team up with Willow Rosenberg? Or Captain Picard working with Mulder and Scully? Now you can!

You might think I'm exaggerating. I therefore offer the following, from real fan fiction. First, Buffy goes porno -

The demon jumped into the air and landed in front of Buffy. "I know you Slayer. You cannot stop me. I shall defeat you then I shall fuck you to death."

Next, Lord of the Rings gets a savaging. This is from a famous example of bad fiction, 'Legolas' -

Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".

And who's this Laura? Well, bad authors love to insert themselves into fan fiction, usually because they can have it off with David Boreanaz, or in this case Orlando Bloom -

They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.

Star Trek is also a favourite.

"So Kira Nareece, I told you we would meet again and you mocked me, you haughty, little, Bajorean fuckmuffin."

You charmer, you. I bet you say that to all the ladies. Still, it keeps our minds off the Kirk/Spock sex scenes -

Captain Kirk started to call Spock's name but couldn't because of the intrusion of a tongue.

- and the author self-insertions.

There was something about her that Picard found mesmerizing. He stared at her, trying to discern what he found so, attractive, so incredibly appealing... This woman, he repeated to himself, this woman is… incredible.

Finally, to show that absolutely nothing is sacred, I came across Shakespeare fan fiction, specifically that based on Hamlet. Nothing on earth can prepare you for the following line, so brace yourself -

Ophelia:[Allowing Laertes' stiff cock to go into her hot,moist snatch]AAAAHHHH!

For those of you unfamiliar with Hamlet, this tale is entitled Behold, the Beauty that is My Sister! Yes, I'm afraid your suspicions are well-founded.